If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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