he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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