Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
