Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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