Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
