eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dignity is for republicans.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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