I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
