my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
