Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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