I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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