I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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