maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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