Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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