He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
