Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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