i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
