talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
