I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I understand Curling. That high.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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