Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
