How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
