I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
