Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
