watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
