Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
And then he peed in my hair
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