she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
