I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
