I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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