Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
