**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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