Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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