worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
