i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
