So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
