Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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