I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
