is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
