she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
