It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
