He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
