I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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