I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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