Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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