You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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