Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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