I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
