Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
