I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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