Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
