You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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