Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
