He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
